Who Am I, Indeed, Lord?

 Who Am I, Indeed, Lord?

Seek not what is too difficult for you, nor investigate what is beyond your power. Reflect upon what has been assigned to you, for you do not need what is hidden. Do not meddle in matters that are beyond you, for more things are shown to you than men can understand. For many have been led astray by their own opinion, and an evil suspicion has caused their judgment to slip. (Sirach 3:21-24)

Though I do not regard Sirach as canonical Scripture, there is a timeless wisdom here that has been following me around lately. It feels almost uncomfortably personal. Am I being presumptuous in trying to tackle the projects I have undertaken? There are plenty of men and women with better credentials, sharper minds, broader platforms, and far greater influence. Is this a legitimate calling, or just a subtler form of pride dressed up in theological clothing?

I am not looking for reassurance. I am not fishing for compliments. I am simply trying to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. After spending more than a decade working on a major project, waiting on a Foreword from a senior theologian I deeply respect, and wondering whether it will ever materialize and if I should even publish the work, questions naturally begin to creep in through the cracks. Then I learn that J. V. Fesko, of all people, is releasing a monograph on a similar subject later this year, and the doubts grow a little louder.

Will any of this matter? Has the expenditure of time, energy, and scarce resources been justified? Am I pursuing something assigned to me, or something beyond me? Those are not easy questions to answer from the inside. A man is often the worst judge of his own motives.

So today I find my thoughts drifting back to Dietrich Bonhoeffer's prison poem, Who Am I? The older I get, the less certain I am of my own answer. Perhaps that uncertainty is not entirely a bad thing. It keeps me asking, praying, and returning to the same question: Who am I, indeed, Lord?

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